Oregon’s Annual Christmas Tree Shrinks to 3 Feet After Federal Budget Cuts; Portland Declares It “Symbolically Tall in Spirit”
PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility and horticultural humility, Portland unveiled its annual Pioneer Courthouse Square Christmas tree this week — standing a majestic three feet tall.
City officials confirmed the drastic downsizing was a result of federal budget cuts, state austerity, and, according to one anonymous insider, “a misunderstanding between feet and meters that no one wanted to fix.”
The once 75-foot evergreen, a symbol of Portland’s towering spirit, has been replaced by what onlookers generously described as “a festive houseplant with ambition.” The tree was delivered this morning on the back of a semi-truck — though witnesses say the driver, Santa Claus himself, “looked embarrassed” and reportedly apologized, saying, “Rudolph sneezed, and this was all that was left.”
The lighting ceremony, historically attended by thousands, was scaled back too. The mayor flipped the switch to activate half a strand of blinking lights salvaged from City Hall’s lost and found. When the single working bulb flickered to life, the crowd erupted into what one observer called “a polite cheer mixed with existential acceptance.”
“This year’s tree represents Portland’s minimalist values,” declared the Parks Department spokesperson. “Sustainability, affordability, and the quiet dignity of settling for less.”
In keeping with the new budget, carolers were replaced by a Bluetooth speaker playing muffled holiday jingles from a free Spotify trial. The usual hot cocoa stand now serves lukewarm rainwater in compostable cups, and due to budget limits, Santa’s beard was made of “ethically sourced dryer lint.”
Even the traditional countdown was cut short.
“We started from three,” said the event coordinator. “Mostly because that’s the tree’s height and also the number of lights still working.”
Despite the smaller scale, city leaders insist the spirit remains grand. “Portland’s heart is still 75 feet tall,” the mayor declared proudly, “and unlike this tree, you can’t put a price tag on that… unless the Parks Department finds a way to monetize sentiment next year.”
Meanwhile, residents are already preparing for next year’s ceremony, rumored to feature a symbolic pine-scented candle to “further streamline operations.”
#satire from Keep Portland Weird
